Perhaps it is a number of things that keep me mired in a funk. I try to do all the right things: I write down my dreams, I journal, I meditate. I paint through the heat of the day. Still by late afternoon I am in a minor rage of poisonous thoughts. I sedate myself with a movie, and then consider the very real possibility that there are other factors that might be adding to my…what shall we call it….vicious self-criticism? Unrelenting doubt? Evil cycle of procrastination? Dark funk of the creative heart? Whatever I might call it, I’ve been here before, it’s no fun, and I’m ready for it to end.
I’ve had no real kitchen space for over a week. Making a cup of tea is a ridiculous orchestration of gathering the tea kettle from one space, the tea from another, the mug, the cream, the honey, all in assorted places, coming together at the grill, where the sauce-simmering-eye provides ready heat. We are having kitchen cabinets built. It will be marvelous. Right now it’s kinda lame.
Then there is the heat. The hot humid combo makes me snarl. My children wrap their arms around me and I peel them off with a yucky face. My son, being the darling ten-year-old that he is, sees this as the opportune time to give me more hugs.
But these things can’t be the cause of the dark funk of my creative heart. I know this. So I write and I paint, then swear and curse and look out at the pink thunderheads of the evening with jaded eyes. I must persevere. Trudge through the mud.
I give myself a challenge. A 30 day challenge: I’ll draw one sacred geometry design every day. Some of these I’ll paint, most will probably never make it that far. Who’s to know the reasoning for this? I won’t pretend I have some grand premise motivating me. I’ve barely any motivation at all. Just a slim bit of steeliness. There’s probably nothing but time and a good pair of boots to get me through this. And maybe too I just want to prove to myself that I have some discipline. That I can commit myself to something simple and beautiful for one month. My compass is at the ready for the morning.