Do you ever feel like you are tromping through thick mud? You remember a time just a short while ago when things fell easily into place. You were eager. You felt your own power, your place in the world. Now, not so much. At all. Things are not desperate, these are not dark times, (which often hold their own pearls of light after all). No, it’s more like a sky of high gray clouds that never rain. After a few days your head feels muddled. Only I’ve been muddled for what seems like weeks now, and I’ve begun to get a bit exasperated with it, bored with my own excuses.
Excuses for neglecting my creative work. I know I am not alone here. We mothers are naturally, perhaps even biologically, inclined to sacrifice vital parts of ourselves for our families. Some of us. I do see others that amaze me with their creative discipline an accomplishments. Sometimes, like say earlier this week, I spread a little blame around to family members (saying my marriage has more traditional gender roles than I’d like, or that my kids require more supervision and direction from me than they actually really do), but in the end I’ll take the blame for it. I know it’s only fair and after all it’s really more empowering to acknowledge that I am choosing this for myself. That’s something I can change.
On the backdrop of my own malaise, however, is the exciting prospect of our road trip to Glacier National Park. We are leaving within ten days! I’ve made packing lists and lists of what needs to be done before we go (which is a lot, because not only are the peaches hanging like fuzzy orange lanterns from the trees, begging to be harvested, but the tomatoes are also considering other states besides green. And we’ve been getting rain and hot hot sun). So I’ll be a busy little bee, humming along. There’s something very exciting about taking a big trip. It certainly seems to stir things up a bit, and it helps me see the end to the trail of mud I’m squelching through. Between traveling and reinstating some key daily practices (writing, meditating, moving), I think you’ll be hearing from me very soon.